Noderunner - Just for Laughs

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Just for Laughs
Letter sent to Noderunner customers

Disclaimer: Any similarity to the real world is unintentional and disavowed.

Holiday Season, 2001

Dear Customer:

A number of Noderunner customers have been complaining about our service. One in particular has suggested that everyone file a complaint. This letter will help you decide whether to get involved with that Looney™.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear - we don't need you as a customer. We never did, and we never will. We are the only game in town. You think these other new providers are competition? Think again. That is if you know how to think. Better yet, just forget everything Noderunner has ever told you. You get what we give you.

There are more than 10 times as many potential suckers in our area that we intend to market to. And we'll do it any damn way we please. So, don't pay any attention to our false claims, and we won't pay any attention to you. Who could ask for more?

If, on the other hand, you want attention - we still won't give it to you. We guarantee that complaining will get you nowhere, and we promise to ignore you. That's a written promise, and you can bet your bottom dollar no one will ever be able to get us for making a false claim on that one.

We've also decided to provide our stakeholders with a better return on investment by cutbacks in service and support. We've installed a new Infinite Hold™ phone system. Feel free to call us anytime you want to waste lots of time. You won't get any help or answers, but the longer we can keep you from using the net, the better it will work for the ones who really know how to use it. Although you won't ever actually get to talk to a real person, our testing indicates 95% of Noderunner managers can't tell the difference - we don't think you will either. And, guaranteed you won't have a Noderunner problem any more - when you do what IH tells you, your computer won't work at all - that's definitely your problem.

Infinite Hold™ - which will be advertised as our new, improved "IHS - Intelligent Human Support" [you did remember to forget everything we tell you?] - also allows us to place anyone who makes any kind of complaint to anyone at any time, or says anything defamatory about Noderunner privately or publicly into auto line-seize mode: your phone is toast - you will never be able to disconnect from our new custom-designed customer torture phone robot. Don't even think about e-mail. We haven't figured out how to use it ourselves yet. Can you spell virus? (Don't feel bad - I still have trouble with that one.)

We will no longer support Windows: Here at Noderunner headquarters, we've taken out all the Windows and switched to air-conditioning. It works much better, and our accountants tell us we'll save 90% of our support costs by this move alone. Reality has a whole new meaning without Windows - so get used to it.

Some have said we were switching their IP address ranges to our high-latency circuits. Of course it's true - but, in case you don't get it yet - we can do whatever we want. We've given those addresses to our new "competitors", and, we're going to assign them to our problem customers as well.

Do you get my drift, yet? Don't be a problem. Keep your mouth shut. Pay your bill. Better yet, pay more than your bill (oops, I forgot, we've already taken care of that by billing you for franchise fees we've decided to keep ourselves with project codename STEAL™: "Swipe The Escrow Account Legally"). Don't bother us, we'll bother you. And while I'm thinking about it - get a life. Get off the net! If you'd stop using our lousy service so much, you'd have no complaint!

Thank ~~you~~ me,
Key Man Wrong, General Manager
Noderunner Internet Services

PS - Anyone who can help us figure out how to stop search terms from reaching that damn subversive site - contact me! I'm talking about this and this and this and this and this and this

PPS - Anyone experienced with Firewalls and preventing corporate LANs from virus infection needs to contact me even faster. Don't e-mail - call me on my personal line: 462-6673 ext. 8368. It's easier to remember as "INCOMPETENT" - the numbers all work out that way.

Disclaimer: Any similarity to the real world is unintentional and disavowed.

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